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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22936804">just push me off, please.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/woobff/pseuds/woobff'>woobff</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Boyz (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, kecob besties, please protect jacob &lt;3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 08:15:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,300</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22936804</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/woobff/pseuds/woobff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>kevin would've never thought the boy he loved so dearly, hated himself so much.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bae Joonyoung | Jacob/Moon Hyungseo | Kevin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>just push me off, please.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>a new sad fic that i wrote at two am and took six hours to proofread and complete just because i'm finally exam free! enjoy this word vomit of my emotions and thoughts portrayed into our angel boy, Jacob! </p><p>kudos and comments appreciated &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>" Stop doing this to yourself, please, " Kevin pleads, voice cracking conveying the emotions he's feeling. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>His voice was already scratchy from the screaming and crying he did minutes prior just to have a hold on his best friend. </p><p> </p><p>It's two in the morning, the sky a dark shade beside the moon glowing on it, the moonlight giving a source of light. </p><p> </p><p>The town Kevin was in was his hometown, a friendly neighborhood with kind occupants and cheerful children who'll greet him on the way to school. </p><p> </p><p>He was a happy occupant there, feeling blessed as he's surrounded by beautiful nature and wonderful people. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>but now he's not happy. he's losing his mind. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>" <em>Please</em>, Jacob, for the love of God, <em>stop please</em>, " Kevin begged once more, taking a small step forward. </p><p> </p><p>He's afraid. He’s afraid that by every step he took, the other would take one too, inching closer to death.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>" I-i can't do this anymore Kev, " </p><p> </p><p>" I <em>hate pretending</em> i'm okay, " </p><p>
  <br/>
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  <br/>
  <br/>
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</p><p>
  <em> Jacob and Kevin met at the convenience store downtown, by the park allocated near a river.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The sky was bright with white fluffy clouds and the soft rays of sunshine casting a warm hue to the earth.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The younger one was on cashier duty, now having been two hours into the shift.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He was about to take the first bite to his sandwich, when the door to the store slammed open, making the bell jingle harshly.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> " Shit- </em> <b> <em>ow</em> </b> <em> , “   "  </em></p><p> </p><p><em> " Hi? may i help- </em> <b> <em> you're bleeding!</em> </b> <em> oh my god, come here! ``Kevin all but scrambled out of his seat behind the counter in favor of pulling the wounded customer closer to him.  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Pushing a nearby chair to him for him to sit on, the cashier went to grab a first aid kit from the backroom before bending down to be eye level with the wounds.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " Can I help you with this? ``Kevin asked, as he took out the antiseptic wipes and bandages.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> And when all he received is a nod, he starts to work on it.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Kevin tried to keep his curiosity at bay when he pulled the sleeve of the boy’s sweater up to his elbow and came face to face with gashes littering the expense of the pale forearm. He tried his best to not ask or tear up when the other didn’t flinch nor wince in pain when antiseptic cream was applied to the open wounds.  </em>
</p><p>
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  <br/>
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</p><p>
  <em> Half an hour later, after the customer ー Jacob, had gotten his wounds attended for, the two found themselves sitting opposite to each other with a cup of ramen on the counter.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Kevin had gotten the green light from his manager to close the shop for lunch, taking advantage of it to pull out his laptop to continue the movie, tangled.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " You love tangled? " Jacob asked, as he sips on his drink,  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " I love tangled. Have you seen the hair? it's gorgeous, " the younger rambled, earning an amused chuckle from the other.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " You're cute, "  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " Oh? thank you, "  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> That was how the two boys found themselves hanging out with each other every evening, after Kevin's shift at the store.   </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Jacob would drop by at six-thirty, accompanying the other for the remaining thirty minutes of his work, sometimes reading his book or helping out when it gets crowded.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Once Kevin clocked out, the two would go to the park nearby, ready to eat dinner Jacob prepared at home, sitting by the river and enjoying the night breeze and each other's company.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> They do it every day.  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
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</p><p>
  <em> Except for one time.  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
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  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> It was already ten minutes past seven, Kevin was already off from work but he's not accompanied by the familiar person.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> There were no messages nor missed calls from the older, and not even the presence of Jacob nearby.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Trying his luck at the park, Kevin decided to bid farewell to his co-worker before walking towards the other destination.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Waving to the children who are still playing at the playground, he soon saw the familiar silhouette by the river, head cast down.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " Jacob? " he tried to call out just to no avail once he realized the other had his earpiece in.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Kevin wanted to try once more, but his eyes caught onto something shining nearby, making him frown in confusion.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " Cob? " he whispers, taking two steps at one time, before realizing that the object shining was a big shard of glass.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " Jacob! "  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
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</p><p>
  <em> Kevin hated the smell of hospitals. It was too nauseating and suffocating. Hearing wails of pain and broken sobs from other people in the area made him feel sick to the bones knowing that whoever was in the emergency room was probably fighting their will to live.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> but here he was, sitting outside the ICU ward, hands still bloodied from the incident prior.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>" Jacob! stop! " </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>"I'm sorry, " </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Kevin couldn't forget the face of pure terror and pain Jacob showed. He couldn't forget the feeling of blood seeping through his fingers as he tried his best to stop the bleeding the older had caused to himself.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He couldn't forget the sight of Jacob repeatedly stabbing his thigh with the glass. With the broken whimpers of apologies mumbled to him as he allowed Kevin to take the shard away from him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "a relative of bae Joon young? "  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " that's me, "  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
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</p><p>" You can't just leave me, Jacob, " Kevin cries out, his fingers gripping tight to the sleeve of the jacket he's wearing. </p><p> </p><p>Jacob's jacket. the one he gave to him after their fourth date because the younger one was shivering due to the cold.  </p><p> </p><p>" I can't do this anymore, Kev. i'm so sick of feeling this way, " </p><p> </p><p>" Then<em> come to me. </em> i'll help you, i promised you didn't i? " </p><p> </p><p>The harsh cold wind didn't help to soothe the worry and tension in the younger. </p><p> </p><p>With tears pooling in his eyes, blurring his vision, he could only pray Jacob wasn't too close to the edge of the roof. </p><p> </p><p>The floor was wet with patches of rainwater, but all Kevin could feel was the wet tears rolling down his cheeks as his heart gnaws in worry. </p><p> </p><p>" You could just push me Kev, " Jacob whispers, </p><p> </p><p>" You could push me right now, and I'll <em> thank </em>you, " he adds with a laugh, though the slight shiver of his hands proved otherwise. </p><p> </p><p>Kevin knows Jacob is afraid. He knows how tired Jacob is tired. </p><p> </p><p>tired of living like this. in constant numbness and sadness. </p><p>
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</p><p>
  <em> " You didn't have to follow me, " Jacob says as they walked to the counselor's office, pinkies linked.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The two were in matching outfits ー thanks to Kevin, an oversized white top with grey slacks and checkered vans. the only difference was the older wearing a beanie to cover his bed hair along with framed glasses.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " It's fine, cob. I promised to be here for you, right? " Kevin reminded, stopping in his tracks to cup Jacob's cheeks, and turning him to face him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> "I'm here because i </em> <b> <em>want </em> </b> <em> to, not because i'm forced to, "  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "I'm being a burden, "  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " if i like being with you, that doesn't mean you're burden honey, " the younger says softly, before landing a soft kiss to the other's nose.  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
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</p><p>" You were doing so well Jacob, you were smiling and laughing. What happened? ``Kevin questions, feet still taking small steps towards the older. </p><p> </p><p>He could see the small droplets of blood on the ground, leading to the one standing on the edge and Kevin could only scold himself for releasing so late of the signs. </p><p> </p><p>He should have known Jacob was distancing himself, always having a rain check when it's dinner time. </p><p> </p><p>he should have known when Jacob started wearing hoodies again when it's sunny outside. </p><p> </p><p>" I started realizing how useless I am. " Jacob starts, </p><p> </p><p>" I got kicked out of university. i'm living with you because i couldn't afford the rent for my old apartment. i feel so useless because i can't feel any emotions besides this numbness and sadness, " by the end of the sentence, the older was full-on crying, hiccups and sobs wrenched out from the thin frame. </p><p> </p><p>And Kevin could do nothing but to cry along and hoping that sunwoo and eric came fast. </p><p>
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</p><p>
  <em> "  No no! shit! " when Kevin played the voicemail and hearing the sounds of broken sobs and confession, he was already out of bed and barging out of the room. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> His eyes were still drowsy due to the effect of sleep, but all he could hear was the blood rushing to his ears and his eyes scanned around the living room, just finding sunwoo ー the other occupant, busy on his phone.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> running towards the front door, he realized that a pair of shoes were missing along with the red umbrella.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " Hyung?  what's wrong? " he heard sunwoo asked, followed by the soft hand on his shoulder.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " You need to hear this and tell me I'm n-not dreaming, " Kevin whispers, before pressing play on the audio.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> ' H-hey Kevin. you're asleep i know, you looked r-really peaceful. I </em> <b> <em>-nngh- </em> </b> <em> i just wanted to let you know t-that i love you, so much okay. i- </em> <b> <em>sniff- </em> </b> <em> i'm sorry for being a fucking depressing burd- burden i ー '  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> When the audio cut off, Kevin no longer felt his legs, and he found himself kneeled on the ground, tears streaming down his cheeks as he cried into Sunwoo's chest.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He couldn't form sentences or energy, even though he knew he was needed somewhere urgently.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> For what felt like hours of crying, he heard sunwoo calling eric and then the police before the boy helped him up to stand.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " He's on the roof right? " sunwoo whispers, earning a nod.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> " Go there now, me and Eric will be there soon, and the police will be on standby downstairs and up there too, " and that was all it took for Kevin to rush up the staircase.  </em>
</p><p>
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</p><p>" Jacob, look at me <em> please </em>, " the younger whispers, </p><p> </p><p>" <em> Please </em>, look at me, " he tries, hand reaching forward for the other. </p><p> </p><p>He could hear the soft creak of a door opening and the hushed whisper of sunwoo, and his heart could only soar in a small relief. </p><p> </p><p>" Please, I know things are tough. they aren't doing well for you, i know but please, please hold on honey, " Kevin pleads, as he gently interlocked fingers with Jacob. </p><p> </p><p>" You need to hold on, you've become so strong, you<em> can't just leave it </em> like that, Cob, " he says once more, now stepping forward, leaving only a foot gap in between. </p><p> </p><p>He could see the flickering lights of red and blue signaling that the police were already on standby. </p><p> </p><p>" I'm sorry, " </p><p> </p><p>Before Kevin could react, the older had snatched his hands away in favor of stepping away from the edge and pulling him to his chest, the quick impact landing them both on the ground. </p><p> </p><p>Kevin could hear the shocked scream from sunwoo and eric but all he could focus on was the person in his hold right now. </p><p> </p><p>The person he almost lost by a few steps. </p><p> </p><p>Jacob was full-on sobbing into his chest, hands gripping the hem of his nightshirt tightly, as the younger had his arms wrapped tightly around his shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, i'm <em> so </em>sorry, " the older apologized, repeatedly mumbling as Kevin shook his head, smiling tearfully. </p><p> </p><p>" I didn't mean to, I'm sorry, “ Jacob cries out, voice muffled due to the fabric. </p><p> </p><p>Kevin could see sunwoo and eric approaching them slowly, the police officers and paramedics at their trail. And even as the paramedics attended to the open wounds on Jacob's forearm, the older didn’t flinch but just stayed silent, hugging the younger. </p><p> </p><p>Minutes seem to pass by fast and soon the police officers bid farewell to the four, followed by the medical staff who left with the soft affirmation of comfort phrases. </p><p> </p><p>“I and Eric will head down first, we’ll call up for pizza delivery, see you there, “ sunwoo whispers earning a thankful smile from Kevin.</p><p> </p><p>When his phone buzzed, the familiar tune of his four am alarm breaking the silence, Jacob slowly pulled away from the hug to wipe his tears. And Kevin couldn’t help but break down into tears, hiding his face into his palms, as he wretched out sobs of relief. </p><p> </p><p>He couldn’t believe he had almost lost his boyfriend. His<em> best friend, </em> if he had been minutes late to get out of bed, to climb up the stairs and to hold his hands. </p><p> </p><p>“I love you so much Bae Joon young, “ Kevin rasped out, </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Please, don’t leave me, “  </em></p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>The clock displayed three in the afternoon, as the television played a romcom movie. Sunwoo and Eric were laying on the floor, feets entangled as they munched on a bowl of popcorn. Meanwhile, Jacob was in the kitchen, seated on the counter as he accompanied Kevin, who was busy cooking an Italian dish. </p><p> </p><p>“ You could burn yourself, be careful babe, “ the younger says, left hand holding the others who got too close to the stove, all the while adding salt to the dish. </p><p> </p><p>It had been approximately a month and a half since the incident at the rooftop. </p><p> </p><p>Jacob had gone for counseling sessions that were more frequent in which focuses more on the issues he couldn’t share with Kevin, personally. Ever since then, the older had been clean, having only minor relapses when the thoughts became too loud. </p><p> </p><p>Kevin had to<em> go </em> for counseling, to help him cope with post-traumatic stress. The younger has had his fair share of nightmares that end up with him crying himself to sleep in Jacob’s embrace. </p><p> </p><p>“ I'm so glad you stayed babe, did you know that? “ the brunette whispers, once he turns off the stove to stand in front of the older boy.  </p><p> </p><p>“ you tell me everyday Kev, “ </p><p> </p><p>“ and I'll tell you every day until you say it yourself, </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Because you deserve to live and experience what God has in life for you, “  </em>
</p><p> </p>
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